October 9th, 2009 Joke of the Day!

THE GEOGRAPHY OF WOMAN:

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa; half discovered, half
wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like USA; well developed, open to
trade and mergers, especially for those with cash and property.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain; very hot, relaxed and
convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece; gently aging but
still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain; still
enchanting with her glorious past fading gently behind.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel; has been through the
war and doesn’t make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada; self-preserving but
open to meeting new people.

After 70, she becomes like Tibet; wildly beautiful, with a
mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages…only those with an
adventurous spirit visit there.

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 1 and 70, a man is like Iran; ruled by nuts….

Dokken vs. Chicken

Imagine 80s hair band, Dokken, is a chicken-hating computer virus and your hard drive an unsuspecting chicken. Don’t let Don Dokken and his cronies unleash their wrath upon your chicken. Fortify your antivirus firewall w/Norton Internet Security 2010.

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If you have a dirty mind…

then you should enjoy this!

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…and there I was, not a health care advocate in site…

— Before you post an ignorant response, note that this has been posted in the Humor category. —

This morning I was awakened by my alarm clock powered by electricity generated by the public power monopoly regulated by the U.S. Department of Energy.

I then took a shower in the clean water provided by a municipal water utility.

After that, I turned on the TV to one of the FCC-regulated channels to see what the National Weather Service of the National Oceanographic and Atmospheric Administration determined the weather was going to be like, using satellites designed, built, and launched by the National Aeronautics and Space Administration.

I watched this while eating my breakfast of U.S. Department of Agriculture-inspected food and taking the drugs which have been determined as safe by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration.

At the appropriate time, as regulated by the U.S. Congress and kept accurate by the National Institute of Standards and Technology and the U.S. Naval Observatory, I get into my National Highway Traffic Safety Administration-approved automobile and set out to work on the roads build by the local, state, and federal Departments of Transportation, possibly stopping to purchase additional fuel of a quality level determined by the Environmental Protection Agency, using legal tender issued by the Federal Reserve Bank.

On the way out the door I deposit any mail I have to be sent out via the U.S. Postal Service and drop the kids off at the public school.

After spending another day not being maimed or killed at work thanks to the workplace regulations imposed by the Department of Labor and the Occupational Safety and Health administration, enjoying another two meals which again do not kill me because of the USDA, I drive my NHTSA car back home on the DOT roads, to my house which has not burned down in my absence because of the state and local building codes and Fire Marshal’s inspection, and which has not been plundered of all its valuables thanks to the local police department, and which has not been bombed to smithereens thanks to the various branches of the United States Armed Forces.

And then I log on to the Internet — which was developed by the Defense Advanced Research Projects Administration — and post on Freerepublic.com and Fox News forums about how SOCIALISM in medicine is BAD because the government can’t do anything right.

— Author Unknown

Taylor Swift Pranks Keith Urban

Taylor Swift pranks Keith Urban in Kansas City, MO

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I think Taylor is a baby doll. Yeah I know, that has nothing to do with this post…

Involuntary Muscle Contractions

A professor at the University of Mississippi was giving a lecture on ‘Involuntary Muscular Contractions’ to his first year medical students.

Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, ‘Do you know what your asshole is doing while you’re having an orgasm?’

She replied, ‘probably deer hunting with his buddies.’

The Fishing Trip

Dave and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming fishing trip. Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn’t go this time because his wife wouldn’t let him. After a lot of teasing and name calling, Dave headed home frustrated.

The following week when Dave’s buddies arrived at the lake to set up camp, they were shocked to see Dave. He was already sitting at the campground with a cold beer, swag rolled out, fishing rod in hand, and a camp fire glowing.

“How did you talk your missus into letting you go Dave?”

“I didn’t have to,” Dave replied.

Yesterday, when I left work , I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows because I couldn’t go fishing. Then the ol’ lady snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, ‘Surprise’.”

“When I peeled her hands back, she was standing there in a beautiful see through negligee and she said, ‘ Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want’… So, Here I am!”

How to stop church gossip!

Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church’s morals, kept sticking her nose into other people’s business. Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town’s only bar one after noon.

She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that every one seeing it there  WOULD KNOW WHAT HE WAS DOING!

Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away.  He didn’t explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.

Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred’s house … walked home … and left it there all night.

Joke of the day :) Submitted by a friend!!

Peach Farmer

A farmer was selling his peaches door to door. He knocked on a door and a shapely 30 something woman dressed in a very sheer negligee answered the door. He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked, ‘Would you like to buy some peaches?’

She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked, ‘Are they as firm as this?’ He nodded his head and said, ‘Yes ma’am,’ and a little tear ran from his eye.

Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking, ‘Are they nice and pink like this?’ The farmer said, Yes,’ and another tear came from the other eye.

She unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and asked, ‘Are they as fuzzy as this?’ He again said, ‘Yes,’ and broke down crying. She asked, ‘Why on earth are you crying?’

Drying his eyes he replied, ”The drought got my corn, the flood got my soy beans, a tornado leveled my barn, and now I think I’m gonna get screwed out of my peaches.

Why Proper Grammar Is Important

On my 66th birthday, I got a gift certificate from my wife.  The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded, I drove to the reservation, handed my ticket to the medicine man and wondered what would happen next.

The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to me, and with a grip on my shoulder, warned, “This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say ‘1-2-3.  ‘When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want.”

I was encouraged. As I walked away, I turned and asked, “How do I stop the medicine from working?”  “Your partner must say ‘1-2-3-4,’  he responded.  “But when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon.”

I was very eager to see if it worked so I went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited my wife to join me in the bedroom. When she came in, I took off my clothes and said, “1-2-3!”

Immediately, I was the manliest of men. My wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes. And then she asked, “What was the 1-2-3 for?”

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition!