Life – Philosophy 101

A professor stood before his Philosophy 101 class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full.

They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a jar of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open spaces between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full.

They agreed it was.

The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar and of course the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full.

The students responded with a unanimous yes.

The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and proceeded to pour the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the grains of sand.

The students laughed.

“Now,” said the professor, as the laughter subsided, “I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things — your family, your partner, your health, your children, your friends, your favorite passions – things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.”

“The pebbles are the other things that matter, like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else — the small stuff.

If you put the sand into the jar first,” he continued, “there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out dancing. Play another 18.

There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first – the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.”

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented.

The professor smiled. “I’m glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there’s always room for a couple of beers.”

Happy Mother’s Day – What My Mom Taught Me

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
“If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.”

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
“You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
“If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!”

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
“Because I said so, that’s why.”

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
“If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.”

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
“Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.”

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
“Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about.”

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .
“Shut your mouth and eat your supper.”

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
“Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!”

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
“You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.”

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
“This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.”

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
“If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times. Don’t exaggerate!”

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
“I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.”

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
“Stop acting like your father!”

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
“There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do.”

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
“Just wait until we get home.”

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
“You are going to get it when you get home!”

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
“If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way.”

19. My mother taught me ESP.
“Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you are cold?”

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
“When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
“If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.”

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
“You’re just like your father.”

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
“Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?”

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
“When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.”

And my favorite: 25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
“One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.

Joke of the day…

A Category #5 hurricane hits MEXICO.

Two million Mexicans died and over a million are injured.

The country is totally ruined and the government doesn’t know where to start and is asking for help to rebuild.

The rest of the world is in shock.

CANADA is sending troops to help the Mexican army control the riots.

SAUDI ARABIA is sending oil.

Other LATIN AMERICAN countries are sending supplies.

The EUROPEAN community (except FRANCE) is sending food and money.

The UNITED STATES, not to be outdone, is sending two million Mexicans to replace the dead ones.

GOD BLESS AMERICA !!!

The Golfing Incident

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asked him, ‘What happened to you?’ ‘Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture.’ We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.’ ‘I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife’s monogram on it – stuck right in the middle of the cow’s butt.’ Still holding the cow’s tail up, I yelled to my wife, ‘Hey, this looks like yours! I don’t remember much after that…’

An Irish Toast

John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, ‘Here’s to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!’ That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, ‘I won the prize for the Best Toast of the Night.’ She said, ‘Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?’ John said, ‘Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.’ ‘Oh, that is very nice indeed, John !’ Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John ‘s drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, ‘John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.’ She said, ‘Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he’s only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.’

An Athiest In The Woods

An atheist was walking through the woods. “What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals! He said to himself.” As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again & the bear was even closer. He tripped & fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the Atheist cried out, “Oh my God!” Time Stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. “You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don’t exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?”

The atheist looked directly into the light, “It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?”

“Very well,” said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke: “Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.”

Marriage Counselor

After years of hiding the fact that the love is gone, the last child moved out of the house and Mom and Dad announce they are getting a divorce. The kids are distraught and hire a marriage counselor as a last resort to try to keep the parents together. The counselor works for hours, tries all of his methods, but the couple still won’t even talk to each other. Finally, the counselor goes over to a closet, brings out a beautiful upright bass, and begins to play. After a few moments, the couple starts talking. They discover that they’re not actually that far apart and decide to give their marriage another try. The kids are amazed and ask the counselor how he managed to do it. He replies, “I’ve never seen anyone who wouldn’t talk during a bass solo.”

The Biker & Waitress

(This one came courtesy of my wife.)

A crusty old biker out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up to a tavern in the middle of no where, parks his bike and walks inside.

As he passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar:

COLD BEER: $2.00
HAMBURGER: $2.25
CHEESEBURGER: $2.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50
HAND JOB: $50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the ole’ biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers.

She glides down behind the bar to the ole biker.

“Yes?” she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, “may I help you?”

The ole biker leans over the bar, “I was wondering young lady,” he whispers, “are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?”

She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs “Why yes, yes, I sure am”.

The ole’ biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, “Well, wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger”.

Shoulda Bought A Hat

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas . Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home. Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, ‘Notice anything different about me?’

Margaret looked him over… ‘Nope.’

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots. Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, ‘Notice anything different NOW?’

Margaret looked up and exclaimed, ‘Bert, what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow!!’

Furious, Bert yelled, ‘AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT’S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?’

‘Nope,’ she replied.

‘IT’S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT’S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!’

Without changing her expression, Margaret replied, ‘Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat.’

Hillbilly Went A Huntin’

A hillbilly went hunting one day in Georgia and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home when he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn’t like hillbillies.

The game warden ordered the hillbilly to show his hunting license; the hillbilly pulled out a valid Georgia hunting license.

The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt and said, ‘This duck ain’t from Georgia. This is a Tennessee duck. You got a Tennessee huntin’ license, boy?’

The hillbilly reached in to his wallet and produced a Tennessee hunting license.

The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt and said ‘This ain’t no Tennessee duck. This duck’s From Mississippi. You got a Mississippi license?’

The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Mississippi hunting license.

The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its butt and said, ‘This ain’t no Mississippi duck. This here duck’s from South Carolina. You got a South Carolina huntin’ license?’

Again the hillbilly reached into his wallet and brought out a South Carolina hunting license.

The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the hillbilly, ‘Boy, just where the hell are you from?’

The hillbilly turned around, dropped his pants, bent over and said, ‘You tell me. You’re the expert.’